Saturday, December 17, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Ammon's Magic Trick
Mostly I just want to see his face and how grown up he is getting. He is still extremely sweet. I love his smile and his ease with life.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Don't Judge Life by One Difficult Season
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said, “no – it was covered with green buds and full of promise”. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree’s life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it’s winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.
Moral: Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don’t judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.
~ Author Unknown
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The next step
So I have decided to let go.
Let go of all I had, all that was, all that I used to be.
Let go of all that I thought I had.
Let go of how I thought things were going to be and how I thought I wanted things to be.
Too many times I have decided that things weren't good enough or met the standard or the guidelines that I created in my head without ever asking if that was the very best for me or for those I love.
If God is not the author of my next step then what does the next step represent? Only my way. And sometimes that works out because of grace alone.
So I have decided once again to let go. My mantra of 2011 is ever present.
Let Go.
I take the plunge, the leap into the void of unknown and trust that what is next will catch me like a tender grass and allow me better and bigger than I could have ever dreamed.
Let's face it. What I had planned was pretty darn safe. Many safety nets and very little risk. It seems that I trust the best when I have no idea what is coming and then I am very open to instruction and listening very close to any shred of inspiration. And then I will go because there is nowhere else to go.
It is beautiful and excruciating how this process unfolds for me. Kicking and screaming (literally) and pitching fits for what will never be again, what perhaps never was.
I am so excited to trust God in this fashion. Never before have I trusted to this level before.
So I step into the next place one step at a time aware of God's guidance, aware that I don't have to know steps in advance. Only the ones placed before me with trust in every footprint knowing that I am safe.
Let go of all I had, all that was, all that I used to be.
Let go of all that I thought I had.
Let go of how I thought things were going to be and how I thought I wanted things to be.
Too many times I have decided that things weren't good enough or met the standard or the guidelines that I created in my head without ever asking if that was the very best for me or for those I love.
If God is not the author of my next step then what does the next step represent? Only my way. And sometimes that works out because of grace alone.
So I have decided once again to let go. My mantra of 2011 is ever present.
Let Go.
I take the plunge, the leap into the void of unknown and trust that what is next will catch me like a tender grass and allow me better and bigger than I could have ever dreamed.
Let's face it. What I had planned was pretty darn safe. Many safety nets and very little risk. It seems that I trust the best when I have no idea what is coming and then I am very open to instruction and listening very close to any shred of inspiration. And then I will go because there is nowhere else to go.
It is beautiful and excruciating how this process unfolds for me. Kicking and screaming (literally) and pitching fits for what will never be again, what perhaps never was.
I am so excited to trust God in this fashion. Never before have I trusted to this level before.
So I step into the next place one step at a time aware of God's guidance, aware that I don't have to know steps in advance. Only the ones placed before me with trust in every footprint knowing that I am safe.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Life lately has taken a turn. I am feeling so full. I have feelings that seem to overwhelm me and take over. I am overwhelmed at the moment because one of my friends is facing so much trial right now. Her face is filled with torment and sorrow. It is difficult to bear seeing her and I can't imagine how difficult it is to bear being in her own skin. I have no words. She doesn't want any. I can only bear witness to this pain she lives in.
When I see others pain sometimes I am reminded of times when I have felt deep pain. Never have I had to bear the pain of burying a close loved one except those of my dear pets. When I visit these past feelings of dark despair, loneliness or abandonment I realize that I am not there anymore. It is the beauty of forgetfulness that accompanies healing. And healing is gradual. It grows over like a wound in scar mode. Eventually there may be a mark and the remembrance of the hurt, but very rarely can one remember the actual pain.
And so I know that with this hurt of my friend I have nothing to offer except that I will bear with her and watch the gradual layer upon layer of healing that must take place. I will encourage this healing and stand by her as the wound begins to close up and become less and less of a threat, a reminder.
I nevertheless feel so worthless to this effort of healing in another's life.
These are things that I have pondered lately. Yes, life is pure and whole and sweet. Yes, my home is warm and inviting and filled with calm peacefulness and cat fur. But there is this constant weight. This burden of others that I has required me to learn to cope with. This pain is not mine and yet in the love of others I tend to feel with them. Does this help? Can it take some of the pain away? Is it mine to feel? Must I continue with these dark helpless nights of sleeplessness as if this is my loved one that has passed?
Lord, I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You
Lord, I've come to know
the weaknesses I see in me
will be stripped away
By the power of Your love
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near, draw me to your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love.
This is my prayer, the song that goes with me in the night. It raises up to the heavens and I pray that it will bring some healing, some balm to those around me that are in the midst of life-altering events. I also pray that I will learn my perfect place in standing with my friends when their times of trial or difficulty weigh heavy in their lives. I offer my heart, Lord. Hold me close.
When I see others pain sometimes I am reminded of times when I have felt deep pain. Never have I had to bear the pain of burying a close loved one except those of my dear pets. When I visit these past feelings of dark despair, loneliness or abandonment I realize that I am not there anymore. It is the beauty of forgetfulness that accompanies healing. And healing is gradual. It grows over like a wound in scar mode. Eventually there may be a mark and the remembrance of the hurt, but very rarely can one remember the actual pain.
And so I know that with this hurt of my friend I have nothing to offer except that I will bear with her and watch the gradual layer upon layer of healing that must take place. I will encourage this healing and stand by her as the wound begins to close up and become less and less of a threat, a reminder.
I nevertheless feel so worthless to this effort of healing in another's life.
These are things that I have pondered lately. Yes, life is pure and whole and sweet. Yes, my home is warm and inviting and filled with calm peacefulness and cat fur. But there is this constant weight. This burden of others that I has required me to learn to cope with. This pain is not mine and yet in the love of others I tend to feel with them. Does this help? Can it take some of the pain away? Is it mine to feel? Must I continue with these dark helpless nights of sleeplessness as if this is my loved one that has passed?
Lord, I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You
Lord, I've come to know
the weaknesses I see in me
will be stripped away
By the power of Your love
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near, draw me to your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love.
This is my prayer, the song that goes with me in the night. It raises up to the heavens and I pray that it will bring some healing, some balm to those around me that are in the midst of life-altering events. I also pray that I will learn my perfect place in standing with my friends when their times of trial or difficulty weigh heavy in their lives. I offer my heart, Lord. Hold me close.
I stole this.
I stole this and I am not sorry.
Actually, I am very proud of my steal.
It makes me giggle.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Ammon is (gulp) 12.
Here is the 12 year old. I feel dizzy when I think of how fast time has gone. I remember the day so well that he entered the world and changed everything.
As you can see...he has braces now but still has the silly smile.
It is my squirrel. It is my squirrel and it shall be my squirrel and I will call you squishy.
Some of the friends that attended the party: Falin, Sawyer, Conner, Tanner and Brady. They were such good sports and played every game I threw to them with a vengeance. We did a Minute to Win It party and that was a HIT.
The sky that evening was so beautiful. It represents to me that God is watching over every event, every person in my life that I love. I can trust that they are in the hands of such a love that only heaven can comprehend.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Gracey is TWO!!!
Sweet little Gracey turned two. So hard to believe. And she was so gracious...
She had a hard time understanding "this is from..." She thought her mommy was saying "this is for..." and she was very happy to give them away.
But then so excited that every one of them was for her.
Even excited at clothes. She made a little squeal with every gift.
This requires no words.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Renae
I have a friend that I only see once a year. She lives in Oregon with her beautiful family. We have had a long long friendship that started in high school. She was my most unlikely friend. At opposite poles we looked at life so differently. She was mischeivious while I was boringly safe. She took chances and I watched at the sidelines cheering her on. We had completely different associations than I and I was a little scared of hers. They too were chance takers. They were not willing to accept everything doled out to them. They questioned everything and if they wondered if a substance or activity was dangerous or harmful they tried it out to see for sure. Most of the time they laughed when the doomsday scare tactics didn't work on them.
I on the other hand chose to follow every rule given. I sat when told and I wore what I was told. I was the good student. The one no one had to worry about. I only took a few chances and when I did I would invariably end up getting caught. I simply looked guilty.
So not once, not twice, but three times Renae and I found ourselves at the same jobs. Totally without attempt. It was happenstance but not happenstance. It was a divine dictation. For what I found out was that those kids that scared me (and she was just as afraid of me and my kind) had so much depth and perception toward life that I lacked. I did the same for her. I found out she has a keen wit, a uncanny vocabulary and reads so fast the library can't keep up with her. Her mind is voracious for anything and everything that the written word can offer.
She also has a creative side sent from heaven above. Many a night have been spent knitting and cross-stitching and laughing. She taught me that a Coke is not a pop...it is a SODA. She taught me to sit back and gather treasures in words and share them only with those most trustworthy. She taught me that never, never, never settle for what I do not really really want from a marraige partner to what to order on the menu.
She always wore the cutest, prettiest, most seductive clothes and pulled it off while I was in throat clutching t shirts and jeans and I loved her just as she was because she loved me just as I was. She also loved my choices for me. They were not her choices and they never had to be. We have the most unique relationship in that we do not choose to desire to change the other. And so through the years we have been amazed at how two lives can be filled with the same joys the same truths the same knowings.
I have never laughed as hard I don't think as I have laughed with her.
And then she had children. Boys. Luscious gorgeous brilliant boys.
And when it was to be her 50th birthday soon I glimpsed upon the most perfect gift I have ever seen for my sweet friend. So perfect in fact that I ordered one myself. Bound in hand cut leather and held together tightly with a leather strap to be tied in the most wonderful twist these hand made pages of thick paper that were held together by a hand stitch taught by a master in Italy. When held one can only know that treasures belong on these pages. I knew that within Renae there are many many treasures. And so when she received her book then I removed mine from it's own box and thus began the filling.
She overwhelms me again with all the dreams she has recorded and the genius gut wrenching quotes and the pictures of those dreamy boys along with her gratitudes.
And so she is one of my pages in my book. I will print this writing and include her in my gratitudes for God knew she was my friend. I shudder to think I could have missed meeting her, knowing her. I was too busy maintaining proper decorum to notice this senstive sweetness that my soul requires. God took care to bring her in my life enough to begin to savor what He created in her and that she ran with.
A truly inspirational friend and an example of quiet knowing and trusting of her own unique perfect self.
I love my Renae.
I on the other hand chose to follow every rule given. I sat when told and I wore what I was told. I was the good student. The one no one had to worry about. I only took a few chances and when I did I would invariably end up getting caught. I simply looked guilty.
So not once, not twice, but three times Renae and I found ourselves at the same jobs. Totally without attempt. It was happenstance but not happenstance. It was a divine dictation. For what I found out was that those kids that scared me (and she was just as afraid of me and my kind) had so much depth and perception toward life that I lacked. I did the same for her. I found out she has a keen wit, a uncanny vocabulary and reads so fast the library can't keep up with her. Her mind is voracious for anything and everything that the written word can offer.
She also has a creative side sent from heaven above. Many a night have been spent knitting and cross-stitching and laughing. She taught me that a Coke is not a pop...it is a SODA. She taught me to sit back and gather treasures in words and share them only with those most trustworthy. She taught me that never, never, never settle for what I do not really really want from a marraige partner to what to order on the menu.
She always wore the cutest, prettiest, most seductive clothes and pulled it off while I was in throat clutching t shirts and jeans and I loved her just as she was because she loved me just as I was. She also loved my choices for me. They were not her choices and they never had to be. We have the most unique relationship in that we do not choose to desire to change the other. And so through the years we have been amazed at how two lives can be filled with the same joys the same truths the same knowings.
I have never laughed as hard I don't think as I have laughed with her.
And then she had children. Boys. Luscious gorgeous brilliant boys.
And when it was to be her 50th birthday soon I glimpsed upon the most perfect gift I have ever seen for my sweet friend. So perfect in fact that I ordered one myself. Bound in hand cut leather and held together tightly with a leather strap to be tied in the most wonderful twist these hand made pages of thick paper that were held together by a hand stitch taught by a master in Italy. When held one can only know that treasures belong on these pages. I knew that within Renae there are many many treasures. And so when she received her book then I removed mine from it's own box and thus began the filling.
She overwhelms me again with all the dreams she has recorded and the genius gut wrenching quotes and the pictures of those dreamy boys along with her gratitudes.
And so she is one of my pages in my book. I will print this writing and include her in my gratitudes for God knew she was my friend. I shudder to think I could have missed meeting her, knowing her. I was too busy maintaining proper decorum to notice this senstive sweetness that my soul requires. God took care to bring her in my life enough to begin to savor what He created in her and that she ran with.
A truly inspirational friend and an example of quiet knowing and trusting of her own unique perfect self.
I love my Renae.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Quote for the rest of my life...
"I've allowed you to hold me back my whole life just to come to find out you were never real. You have no power over me, I have replaced you with Love and Trust. You are Fear and you've met your match." ~ Jackson Kiddard
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
A new day
Did you know that everyday is a new day? I suppose I have heard that so many times it seems silly and cliche. I know. But when I stop to consider it is truly a new day it boggles my mind. Instead of being afraid that I might put off something and regret that I hadn't used my time wisely or had frittered away precious moments I can relax and know that everything...EVERYTHING...is in perfect order. And just perhaps the perfect design of a Father's hands are preparing a time to do tasks and talks and creativity when it would be the very best. So I can look at today, at this moment, and realize that it is a new day. What will this day bring? What does God want me to know now? I can be still and listen and not worry that the business is waiting to be done. I can be still and listen and enjoy these moments of time and get all I can out of each and every one.
Today is the next day in my eternity. No other time but right now. Right now I am enjoying eternity. That makes all this craziness and sometimes sadness and occasional silliness so fabulous. I don't have to wait for eternity. It is now.
Today is the next day in my eternity. No other time but right now. Right now I am enjoying eternity. That makes all this craziness and sometimes sadness and occasional silliness so fabulous. I don't have to wait for eternity. It is now.
The Great Room
Thanks Barb for the chairs!
 |
| My grand angel that Jim gave me for Christmas. She is finally where she belongs! |
Mother-in-law's Tongue...yes...that is the name for this plant!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I give up.
I give up. I give up that I can ever have the body of my dreams by dreaming about it.
I give up. I give up that I can ever have a strong body without exercise.
I give up. I give up the denial that haunts me every every day.
I give up. I allow myself to fail and say "Hm. That was interesting." Then I move on.
I give up. I give up making myself self sabotage.
I give up. I give up sugar. Most of the time. It does not serve me.
I give up. I give up eating when I am not hungry.
I have to give up these previous ways first before I can move on to the next step. I am ready to see all the times and places and feelings I choose out of because they are scary or unknown or I might fail. Before when I felt them I chose to shut down and eat. My eating habits are disconnecting me from my true feelings. My true feelings may come up and tell me that something hurt or embarrassed me or I failed. So I shut them down.
The problem is when I decide to shut something down then I shut down the good stuff too. I have sacrificed so many good honorable true feelings along with my pain.
So when I am scared to see or trust or feel then I can remember that some of these feelings might be terrific.
And all of them are seen by God. I know that I am known better than I know myself. So I choose to trust too. And really, after all, when I say I can't see something because it might hurt too much or feel too uncomfortable I am choosing to not have faith. I am saying in essence "I don't trust."
Yuck.
So I choose to trust.
I choose to exercise.
I choose to feel.
I choose to cry if it is time.
I choose to laugh if is time.
I choose to be who I am created to be.
I give up. I give up that I can ever have a strong body without exercise.
I give up. I give up the denial that haunts me every every day.
I give up. I allow myself to fail and say "Hm. That was interesting." Then I move on.
I give up. I give up making myself self sabotage.
I give up. I give up sugar. Most of the time. It does not serve me.
I give up. I give up eating when I am not hungry.
I have to give up these previous ways first before I can move on to the next step. I am ready to see all the times and places and feelings I choose out of because they are scary or unknown or I might fail. Before when I felt them I chose to shut down and eat. My eating habits are disconnecting me from my true feelings. My true feelings may come up and tell me that something hurt or embarrassed me or I failed. So I shut them down.
The problem is when I decide to shut something down then I shut down the good stuff too. I have sacrificed so many good honorable true feelings along with my pain.
So when I am scared to see or trust or feel then I can remember that some of these feelings might be terrific.
And all of them are seen by God. I know that I am known better than I know myself. So I choose to trust too. And really, after all, when I say I can't see something because it might hurt too much or feel too uncomfortable I am choosing to not have faith. I am saying in essence "I don't trust."
Yuck.
So I choose to trust.
I choose to exercise.
I choose to feel.
I choose to cry if it is time.
I choose to laugh if is time.
I choose to be who I am created to be.
Dear Amazing Girl,
I receive these amazing messages from a website called Brave Girls Club. Here is one that spoke to me so loudly today that as I went to copy it I couldn't for whatever the reason so I had to copy it word for word. That made it even better! So here it is:
Sometimes the bravest thing we ever have to do is accept a different answer to a wish, a dream, a hope or a prayer than the one we were asking for, and trust that it is still going to work out o.k. int he end.
No one is immune from disappointments, and confusing turns of events, and things turning our waaaaaaaay different than we planned on. Our characters are built, our patience is grown, and our hearts are strengthened when these things happen...in ways that they could not have otherwise.
A lot of suffering can be passed by when we just TRUST that things are working out even when we can't see how it is possible. So many times, we have to travel through a "rough part of town" to get to the most beautiful parts...and there is no other way but through those parts. If you are in one of the "rough" parts right now...just keep moving...soon you will see the places that you were headed to when you set off on this journey. If you stop now...you will be stuck exactly where you are.
Sooo, keep moving, friend. Keep your chin up, keep your thought in happy places...keep believing, keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep wishing, keep praying...and most importantly...keep the faith. This is all headed somewhere good!
Sometimes the bravest thing we ever have to do is accept a different answer to a wish, a dream, a hope or a prayer than the one we were asking for, and trust that it is still going to work out o.k. int he end.
No one is immune from disappointments, and confusing turns of events, and things turning our waaaaaaaay different than we planned on. Our characters are built, our patience is grown, and our hearts are strengthened when these things happen...in ways that they could not have otherwise.
A lot of suffering can be passed by when we just TRUST that things are working out even when we can't see how it is possible. So many times, we have to travel through a "rough part of town" to get to the most beautiful parts...and there is no other way but through those parts. If you are in one of the "rough" parts right now...just keep moving...soon you will see the places that you were headed to when you set off on this journey. If you stop now...you will be stuck exactly where you are.
Sooo, keep moving, friend. Keep your chin up, keep your thought in happy places...keep believing, keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep wishing, keep praying...and most importantly...keep the faith. This is all headed somewhere good!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Messin around with the Ipad
Mickie
My client Lee
Ehhhhh? What you say?
"This is how I look at you before I kill you with my laser."
I look like Susan Boyle.
Ha! Meg!
Charley
Meg...just in case you cannot tell who this is!
I have always desired a small neck.
Yikes...check out the hair!
The floor of the great room
Here are some pictures of the new floor. I have added some pictures of the floor before it was refinished. It's hard to believe that this is the same floor!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Cheerios and stuff.
Have you ever wondered why we grow up? I do. I know, I know, I am supposed to learn and mature and think of others and learn my manners and know how to say thank you and learn how to pay bills all on my own and take care of myself and learn that matches can hurt me and and and. But why must I lose that little girl that was so wonderful when she came here? The one that skipped and played and thought life was magic and a yummy bowl of cereal was good enough reason to get out of bed. I don't want the pigtails but I want the ruffles and flowers and idealism. I wonder when she left.
I think she is coming back. I think that's why the year 50 is so powerful. As this new stage happens I get to take care of me for once in many many years. I get to choose things that make just me happy. I get to play really hard with my grandchildren and other kids that come around. I have so many things to choose and paints to paint and laughter to have and jewelry to make and glue to stick underneath my fingernails.
How silly that all this time I was still that little girl but decided to act all grown up and wise and the things about me that others enjoy comes directly straight from that girl inside me. She is busting out and wanting to just simply be. I get to see my God from a place of innocence and simple belief that what He says He will do and sometimes I just don't have to know how.
Yay! I don't have to know how God is. I just have to know that He is.
Now, where did I put my Cheerios?
I think she is coming back. I think that's why the year 50 is so powerful. As this new stage happens I get to take care of me for once in many many years. I get to choose things that make just me happy. I get to play really hard with my grandchildren and other kids that come around. I have so many things to choose and paints to paint and laughter to have and jewelry to make and glue to stick underneath my fingernails.
How silly that all this time I was still that little girl but decided to act all grown up and wise and the things about me that others enjoy comes directly straight from that girl inside me. She is busting out and wanting to just simply be. I get to see my God from a place of innocence and simple belief that what He says He will do and sometimes I just don't have to know how.
Yay! I don't have to know how God is. I just have to know that He is.
Now, where did I put my Cheerios?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Anniversary
Jim and I just celebrated our 19th anniversary. 19 years on the 19th! What a ride it has been and continues to be. I honor my decision to ask Jim to marry me all those years ago because it was one of the most genius moves I have ever made. Jim harassed me (yes. harassed.) to marry him. After asking me with a ring, asking me over the phone, asking me in a card, asking me every single day to marry him he finally gave up. He asked so many times his heart couldn't handle it anymore. So he told me that when I knew what I was going to do then I would have to ask him.
Have you ever had your head struck with what seems like a cast iron frying pan? That's how it was for me. So obvious was it that I asked immediately and he was stunned. We married two months and a few days later. So many were heartbroken at this decision. But that was yesterday and today is today so no more of those memories. For it was genius.
Jim would go to the ends of the earth for me. If I said I desperately needed a new car he would break his back to get it for me. If I said I wanted some ice cream, some dinner, some money, some act of cleaning, some repair he will do it completely. With no hesitation and no complaint. He is willing. And yet if I ask him to not wear something that expresses himself or grow his hair back or not be honest he will never comply. He honors himself implicitly and I love that about him. Even when others crumble under pressure from everywhere, Jim will only act when he is inspired to or when his heart allows. He will never be someone else for you. He loves and honors himself way too much for that.
He honors me as well. He expects nothing less than for me to honor myself above him. Just when I thought I had this relationship thing figured out he challenges it and expects me to honor me above him. Then and only then can I be the authentic woman I am to be with him.
I have chosen wisely. Those days when you see me annoyed with him it is usually because he is asking and expecting me to be my best and what I know I am to be and I don't want to. Or because I want him to be something else besides who he truly is and he will not comply. Sometimes he simply screws up. Big deal. So do I.
Happy Anniversary Baby. It has been a journey. Can't wait to see what is next. I love you.
Have you ever had your head struck with what seems like a cast iron frying pan? That's how it was for me. So obvious was it that I asked immediately and he was stunned. We married two months and a few days later. So many were heartbroken at this decision. But that was yesterday and today is today so no more of those memories. For it was genius.
Jim would go to the ends of the earth for me. If I said I desperately needed a new car he would break his back to get it for me. If I said I wanted some ice cream, some dinner, some money, some act of cleaning, some repair he will do it completely. With no hesitation and no complaint. He is willing. And yet if I ask him to not wear something that expresses himself or grow his hair back or not be honest he will never comply. He honors himself implicitly and I love that about him. Even when others crumble under pressure from everywhere, Jim will only act when he is inspired to or when his heart allows. He will never be someone else for you. He loves and honors himself way too much for that.
He honors me as well. He expects nothing less than for me to honor myself above him. Just when I thought I had this relationship thing figured out he challenges it and expects me to honor me above him. Then and only then can I be the authentic woman I am to be with him.
I have chosen wisely. Those days when you see me annoyed with him it is usually because he is asking and expecting me to be my best and what I know I am to be and I don't want to. Or because I want him to be something else besides who he truly is and he will not comply. Sometimes he simply screws up. Big deal. So do I.
Happy Anniversary Baby. It has been a journey. Can't wait to see what is next. I love you.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Amiah did it again.
The other day I was inspired to show Ammon and Amiah all the places in Twin Falls that I have lived. I was suprised at how many places I have had my dwelling. One of the magical places I have lived was out in the country 6 miles from town in a rented farm house. There were barns, outbuildings, horses, sometimes pigs, chickens, dogs, cats, and an enormous garden.
As we headed out to the farm the kids were fascinated that we had lived so far out. "What about the mall? What about the grocery store or the movies or going to a friend's house?" After so many questions I realized it is unique to my own grandchildren how I was raised. They find it fascinating and a little scary.
As we crossed the second canal (which was a landmark for me as a child) I showed them the remains of the house where the landowners lived. Now it just a pile of old stone and dirt. I pointed out the place and told them "This is where the owners lived and we lived in the farm house way down there." As I pointed I looked at this grand big house and almost held my breath. There are no more outbuildings or barns. Only this big house standing alone. This house was a place where I learned so many things about myself. It was a magic house to me.
So we headed down to the house and slowed down as we passed. I noted the very large wrap around porch and showed them the window to my room. I told them quickly. They weren't getting it and I tend to shy away from sharing magical memories with ones who are limited to share it. Not that it matters in the spiritual nature of me, but I just tend to keep those things close to me and those that really get it. And they were not getting it. I think they were literally terrified at this final showing of places where I had laid my head and they were quite frankly sad for me! Ha! In their limited experiences this just simply looked horrid to them.
But the final question broke my melancholy visitation and took me to gut rolls.
Amiah looking quite confused asked again "So those people owned this house and lived down there? Why did they let you live here?" I explained how rentals worked and if someone owns more than one house they usually rent it out and use that money for extra income. I explained this in short order. Still confused she asked,
"Why wouldn't they live here instead of down the road in that pile of rocks?"
As we headed out to the farm the kids were fascinated that we had lived so far out. "What about the mall? What about the grocery store or the movies or going to a friend's house?" After so many questions I realized it is unique to my own grandchildren how I was raised. They find it fascinating and a little scary.
As we crossed the second canal (which was a landmark for me as a child) I showed them the remains of the house where the landowners lived. Now it just a pile of old stone and dirt. I pointed out the place and told them "This is where the owners lived and we lived in the farm house way down there." As I pointed I looked at this grand big house and almost held my breath. There are no more outbuildings or barns. Only this big house standing alone. This house was a place where I learned so many things about myself. It was a magic house to me.
So we headed down to the house and slowed down as we passed. I noted the very large wrap around porch and showed them the window to my room. I told them quickly. They weren't getting it and I tend to shy away from sharing magical memories with ones who are limited to share it. Not that it matters in the spiritual nature of me, but I just tend to keep those things close to me and those that really get it. And they were not getting it. I think they were literally terrified at this final showing of places where I had laid my head and they were quite frankly sad for me! Ha! In their limited experiences this just simply looked horrid to them.
But the final question broke my melancholy visitation and took me to gut rolls.
Amiah looking quite confused asked again "So those people owned this house and lived down there? Why did they let you live here?" I explained how rentals worked and if someone owns more than one house they usually rent it out and use that money for extra income. I explained this in short order. Still confused she asked,
"Why wouldn't they live here instead of down the road in that pile of rocks?"
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Bowling on the deck
Darn. I didn't take a picture but today Amiah and Ammon and I bowled on the deck. We got out the kids bowling set and made a bowling alley. The weather was a-ma-zing. So beautiful. So we took turns and the first try Amiah did not succeed. She does NOT live by the motto "If at first you don't succeed...try try again." She thinks "If at first I don't succeed I won't play anymore." It was fun. Ammon and I bowled for awhile. Then we blew bubbles. Then we threw items off the deck and Amiah retrieved most of them.
Then we played cards. Amiah won. A lot. So she kept playing. Then we played a different card game and Amiah lost and so...yep. She quit. She is so funny spending so much of her time making her life a "get over it" time instead of just laugh at it.
She reminds me of me. She is so hard on herself and so am I. So, I love on her and laugh with her or at least encourage her to laugh. I tell her how amazing she is and how perfect it all is and winning is nothing but laughing is everything. I am preaching to myself as well and then we laugh together. I, who will never take a tease from anyone except my grandkids, will tease and joke and let loose. I get why these beautiful people are in my life. I get to let loose and lighten up on myself and be me and they love it and I love it and them.
Thank you dear God for sending these wonderful lovers of my soul that have come here right now to allow me to learn what no one else has successfully taught me. All those wonderful souls that stood up for me and believed in me were no match for these fine faces that simply want to be with me.
Be. With me.
So I will be. Whoever I am with. My grandkids are very good teachers.
Then we played cards. Amiah won. A lot. So she kept playing. Then we played a different card game and Amiah lost and so...yep. She quit. She is so funny spending so much of her time making her life a "get over it" time instead of just laugh at it.
She reminds me of me. She is so hard on herself and so am I. So, I love on her and laugh with her or at least encourage her to laugh. I tell her how amazing she is and how perfect it all is and winning is nothing but laughing is everything. I am preaching to myself as well and then we laugh together. I, who will never take a tease from anyone except my grandkids, will tease and joke and let loose. I get why these beautiful people are in my life. I get to let loose and lighten up on myself and be me and they love it and I love it and them.
Thank you dear God for sending these wonderful lovers of my soul that have come here right now to allow me to learn what no one else has successfully taught me. All those wonderful souls that stood up for me and believed in me were no match for these fine faces that simply want to be with me.
Be. With me.
So I will be. Whoever I am with. My grandkids are very good teachers.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Hormone Song by MEW
I have a little pill
doesn't look like much to me
before it came along
I was sad and so lonely.
Even though folks were around
I didn't hear that sound
of laughter and happiness
rage in my heart was found.
And so the doctor said to me
I think I have a remedy
let me give you this prescrip
before you check into the mental county
It will bring you back to yourself
it will make all things new
it's called Estrogen
"don't worry I take it too."
My husband got a ticket
on the way to the pharmacy
fear gripping his every part
stayin alive's how he wanted to be.
Hubby holdin his breath standing by my side
the pill went down with some water's sip
waiting for relief and my return
away from this sweating stranger's grip.
Believing this could be too good
could this really be true?
that this pill's promise soon would come
I could smile and sing again too?
Five days later there was a glimpse
of that Mary Ellen we used to know
a sparkle, a snicker, and even some sleep returned
the signs we had searched for so long high and low.
And today almost two weeks have come and gone
that little pill has worked real good
and now we can party and laugh and giggle
more of the day than not I feel just like I should.
Who would have thought a little white pill
could make such a change in our life
Hubby can joke free from fear
Almost like when she became his wife.
No more constant but occasional temps rise up from hell
the lady of the house begins to yell
"It's so hot in here! Let's open a window!"
Why? no one can explain, not a soul can tell.
I love life again and that pill it's true
what the doctor said and the promise given
when she said it will help and restore so much
I have come back happily joining the livin.
doesn't look like much to me
before it came along
I was sad and so lonely.
Even though folks were around
I didn't hear that sound
of laughter and happiness
rage in my heart was found.
And so the doctor said to me
I think I have a remedy
let me give you this prescrip
before you check into the mental county
It will bring you back to yourself
it will make all things new
it's called Estrogen
"don't worry I take it too."
My husband got a ticket
on the way to the pharmacy
fear gripping his every part
stayin alive's how he wanted to be.
Hubby holdin his breath standing by my side
the pill went down with some water's sip
waiting for relief and my return
away from this sweating stranger's grip.
Believing this could be too good
could this really be true?
that this pill's promise soon would come
I could smile and sing again too?
Five days later there was a glimpse
of that Mary Ellen we used to know
a sparkle, a snicker, and even some sleep returned
the signs we had searched for so long high and low.
And today almost two weeks have come and gone
that little pill has worked real good
and now we can party and laugh and giggle
more of the day than not I feel just like I should.
Who would have thought a little white pill
could make such a change in our life
Hubby can joke free from fear
Almost like when she became his wife.
No more constant but occasional temps rise up from hell
the lady of the house begins to yell
"It's so hot in here! Let's open a window!"
Why? no one can explain, not a soul can tell.
I love life again and that pill it's true
what the doctor said and the promise given
when she said it will help and restore so much
I have come back happily joining the livin.
You're Beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq29Owv_8yU&feature=related
A wonderful song that sings my heart song right now.
You are beautiful.
Me too.
A wonderful song that sings my heart song right now.
You are beautiful.
Me too.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
To serve is to love
As I posted yesterday and now restate: My hormones are kicking my butt. Nevertheless Jim and I have concluded that when possible we will smile at my attempt to remain kind in the midst of desiring to remove his head. And blessed is the occasion when we can laugh. I laugh first and then he knows he can laugh with me. I feel bad (and anyone would) when the unfortunate occasion comes that he laughs first and I do not follow. And still he is a sweet kind companion that merely desires for me to be happy.
HOWEVER:
Yesterday he neglectfully rang my cell phone to inform me that we are having a guest arrive in a few minutes that will be here for the evening and will spend the night in our other house guest area. She is the sweetest soul and so easy and unpretentious. She also needs to eat. As do I. As does Jim.
Jim and I can fend for ourselves and I would love to have a regular cooking routine with dinner complete and nutrition at the top of the list but I have not attained that at this stage. I have wained. But I digress. That will be a different post.
So the question remains hanging in the air in the emptiness of cell phone land "Should we eat at home or would you prefer to eat out? I am so willing to take us out to eat and we can go wherever we decide. But we do have that yummy chicken and all those fresh things we just got from Bountiful Baskets. So you tell me and we will do whatever you want. If you want us to go and you be left in quiet...that is fine too."
See? Isn't he amazing?
So I did not respond. I only said we will see when I get home which will be in about an hour. Is that ok?
"Absolutely."
So when I returned home I realized how silly it would be to go out to eat with this plethor of food, so I cooked.
I wasn't so tickled when I started but as these sweet people (Jim and Elizabeth) visited as I cooked and we began to smile and laugh about little and big things my heart began to swell.
It felt good to put together some yummy nutritious simple food and add some love and special to it and then watch them eat it. It was warm and just right and not pretentious or perfect. Just simple.
It is the beauty of serving that brings out a warmth inside that my heart needed at the moment. I needed to put my hands to work (not that hard even) and desire an ease of the evening for everyone. As I softened and thought of others and put my hormones aside I reminded myself how this service stuff works. It is a beautiful time when others enjoy my efforts and I can think of someone else and their comfort and pleasure and consequently I am served.
God is a master at creating win/win situations. When I serve then I am served. That's a win/win if I ever saw one.
HOWEVER:
Yesterday he neglectfully rang my cell phone to inform me that we are having a guest arrive in a few minutes that will be here for the evening and will spend the night in our other house guest area. She is the sweetest soul and so easy and unpretentious. She also needs to eat. As do I. As does Jim.
Jim and I can fend for ourselves and I would love to have a regular cooking routine with dinner complete and nutrition at the top of the list but I have not attained that at this stage. I have wained. But I digress. That will be a different post.
So the question remains hanging in the air in the emptiness of cell phone land "Should we eat at home or would you prefer to eat out? I am so willing to take us out to eat and we can go wherever we decide. But we do have that yummy chicken and all those fresh things we just got from Bountiful Baskets. So you tell me and we will do whatever you want. If you want us to go and you be left in quiet...that is fine too."
See? Isn't he amazing?
So I did not respond. I only said we will see when I get home which will be in about an hour. Is that ok?
"Absolutely."
So when I returned home I realized how silly it would be to go out to eat with this plethor of food, so I cooked.
I wasn't so tickled when I started but as these sweet people (Jim and Elizabeth) visited as I cooked and we began to smile and laugh about little and big things my heart began to swell.
It felt good to put together some yummy nutritious simple food and add some love and special to it and then watch them eat it. It was warm and just right and not pretentious or perfect. Just simple.
It is the beauty of serving that brings out a warmth inside that my heart needed at the moment. I needed to put my hands to work (not that hard even) and desire an ease of the evening for everyone. As I softened and thought of others and put my hormones aside I reminded myself how this service stuff works. It is a beautiful time when others enjoy my efforts and I can think of someone else and their comfort and pleasure and consequently I am served.
God is a master at creating win/win situations. When I serve then I am served. That's a win/win if I ever saw one.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
My hormones
...are kickin my butt. I have been so upbeat about the next stage of my life and how this transition is going to free my body up from the early stages of flux to somewhat of a evenness. But this is literally wiping me out. I am going to the doctor. I give. I will beg or plead or whatever I have to do to get some help with this.
My brain has been so foggy that even writing (which is so easy for me) has been a struggle. It is very strange having no reactions to things. Just like the emotional barometer reads ZERO. I search for words. I cry without warning. I react to things too fast.
I throw in the towel. I give.
Menopause...you win.
For today.
Soon I will have something in my possession that will kick your butt back. And then I will be very very pleased.
Have fun with me today. Churn my emotions, mess up my vocabulary, cause rivers of persperation. Have at it. Your days are numbered.
My brain has been so foggy that even writing (which is so easy for me) has been a struggle. It is very strange having no reactions to things. Just like the emotional barometer reads ZERO. I search for words. I cry without warning. I react to things too fast.
I throw in the towel. I give.
Menopause...you win.
For today.
Soon I will have something in my possession that will kick your butt back. And then I will be very very pleased.
Have fun with me today. Churn my emotions, mess up my vocabulary, cause rivers of persperation. Have at it. Your days are numbered.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
My New Addition
We have a new guest in the house. It came in a 224 lb. box and yesterday it was assembled. It is metal and big and has a backlit display. It will only move if I move it. It will cause me to sweat and move if I allow it. Otherwise it will just stand there looking at me with its stationary gaze wondering when I will make it do it's thing.
It is an elliptical.
It is beautiful.
I am certain sometimes I will think it is not beautiful.
But today I love it.
It is so easy and simple. I get up. I put on my shoes. I plug in my ipod and turn on the fan. I have my TV remote close in case I want to watch something. And then I sweat. And then I can be complete. I didn't have to drive anywhere or put on my coat. I don't have to pay a gym fee and no one has to see me on it. But you can if you want. You can come over anytime between 5:00 am and 6:30 am and sometime in there I will be on it.
Yay!
It is an elliptical.
It is beautiful.
I am certain sometimes I will think it is not beautiful.
But today I love it.
It is so easy and simple. I get up. I put on my shoes. I plug in my ipod and turn on the fan. I have my TV remote close in case I want to watch something. And then I sweat. And then I can be complete. I didn't have to drive anywhere or put on my coat. I don't have to pay a gym fee and no one has to see me on it. But you can if you want. You can come over anytime between 5:00 am and 6:30 am and sometime in there I will be on it.
Yay!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Christmas Eve
Because the holidays (definition: Holy Days) are so jam packed with activity and fun I have discovered many events that have gone unposted. So many that I neglected to even get pics for! Dang it. But I want to record Christmas Eve events.
Every Christmas Eve Jim and I host a Open House. We always have the house open to anyone who would like to stop by or sit and stay all night if they desire. This year was fun for many reasons but one being that Jim is rockin on the great room. (pics to be posted soon) His efforts usually have a gasping reaction. This was really fun for him as he has been working like a dog.
The night before Christmas Eve I always put the beans on to soak. The next morning I get the going with onions, carrots and ham. They cook allllllllll day. This year they were especially good. I make rolls and have sandwich makings so all can make little sandwiches however they desire. I also had meatballs in the crock. And don't forget the wassel in the stove!
Then the treats were amazing if I do say so myself. I wish I had taken a pic. Dang it again.
Cheese ball, crackers, caramel popcorn, sweet chex mix, reeses bars, easy turtles, tiny chocolate chip cookies, veggies and dip, candies that folks gave. I can't remember it all.
That day during prep I realized there were a few items I had forgotten. Risking major facial responses I asked Jim if he would be open to going to the store. Suprisingly, he had no qualms about it. Providing a list and off he went happily. He also got a couple of stocking stuffers too.
When he returned I realized how genius this was. Because of my frugal nature I will stick to the list. Jim on the other hand purchases with his tummy and with generosity. I asked him to buy another kind of soda. He returned with 4 liters of soda along with 2 more 24 can cases. I asked for one bag of ice. I got 2. I asked for a package of celery hearts. I got 3. And it goes on. What a hoot. He was grinning and happy. Jim loves a party.
Folks started to arrive at 5. I must say that next year this will be ever more comfortable as we will have the great room to use. At this stage we were busting out of the seams and I was in seventh heaven. Family faces, friends with love and hugs and smiles, some bearing gifts, some bearing treats but all willing to share together this wonderful time of year.
To those who shared this special time with us I have to say a gracious huge thank you. When you bless our home you leave part of you here for us to still enjoy. The memory of your laughter and sweetness continues. May all the world begin to know this year the love I have around me. I wish that will all the wishes and fairy dust and prayers on my knees and in my greatest imaginings. I wish all to have the security of the Babe in the manger who with such enduring love set out to make it possible for peace on earth and good will toward men. For without His love I would fain to judge and harden and worry. But with it I can love wholeheartedly and unabashadly. And I am so happy to do so.
Praying for blessings from God to all this coming year.
Every Christmas Eve Jim and I host a Open House. We always have the house open to anyone who would like to stop by or sit and stay all night if they desire. This year was fun for many reasons but one being that Jim is rockin on the great room. (pics to be posted soon) His efforts usually have a gasping reaction. This was really fun for him as he has been working like a dog.
The night before Christmas Eve I always put the beans on to soak. The next morning I get the going with onions, carrots and ham. They cook allllllllll day. This year they were especially good. I make rolls and have sandwich makings so all can make little sandwiches however they desire. I also had meatballs in the crock. And don't forget the wassel in the stove!
Then the treats were amazing if I do say so myself. I wish I had taken a pic. Dang it again.
Cheese ball, crackers, caramel popcorn, sweet chex mix, reeses bars, easy turtles, tiny chocolate chip cookies, veggies and dip, candies that folks gave. I can't remember it all.
That day during prep I realized there were a few items I had forgotten. Risking major facial responses I asked Jim if he would be open to going to the store. Suprisingly, he had no qualms about it. Providing a list and off he went happily. He also got a couple of stocking stuffers too.
When he returned I realized how genius this was. Because of my frugal nature I will stick to the list. Jim on the other hand purchases with his tummy and with generosity. I asked him to buy another kind of soda. He returned with 4 liters of soda along with 2 more 24 can cases. I asked for one bag of ice. I got 2. I asked for a package of celery hearts. I got 3. And it goes on. What a hoot. He was grinning and happy. Jim loves a party.
Folks started to arrive at 5. I must say that next year this will be ever more comfortable as we will have the great room to use. At this stage we were busting out of the seams and I was in seventh heaven. Family faces, friends with love and hugs and smiles, some bearing gifts, some bearing treats but all willing to share together this wonderful time of year.
To those who shared this special time with us I have to say a gracious huge thank you. When you bless our home you leave part of you here for us to still enjoy. The memory of your laughter and sweetness continues. May all the world begin to know this year the love I have around me. I wish that will all the wishes and fairy dust and prayers on my knees and in my greatest imaginings. I wish all to have the security of the Babe in the manger who with such enduring love set out to make it possible for peace on earth and good will toward men. For without His love I would fain to judge and harden and worry. But with it I can love wholeheartedly and unabashadly. And I am so happy to do so.
Praying for blessings from God to all this coming year.
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