Sunday, October 23, 2011

The next step

So I have decided to let go.
Let go of all I had, all that was, all that I used to be.
Let go of all that I thought I had.
Let go of how I thought things were going to be and how I thought I wanted things to be.
Too many times I have decided that things weren't good enough or met the standard or the guidelines that I created in my head without ever asking if that was the very best for me or for those I love.
If God is not the author of my next step then what does the next step represent?  Only my way.  And sometimes that works out because of grace alone.
So I have decided once again to let go.  My mantra of 2011 is ever present.
Let Go.
I take the plunge, the leap into the void of unknown and trust that what is next will catch me like a tender grass and allow me better and bigger than I could have ever dreamed. 
Let's face it.  What I had planned was pretty darn safe.  Many safety nets and very little risk.  It seems that I trust the best when I have no idea what is coming and then I am very open to instruction and listening very close to any shred of inspiration.  And then I will go because there is nowhere else to go.
It is beautiful and excruciating how this process unfolds for me.  Kicking and screaming (literally) and pitching fits for what will never be again, what perhaps never was.
I am so excited to trust God in this fashion.  Never before have I trusted to this level before. 
So I step into the next place one step at a time aware of God's guidance, aware that I don't have to know steps in advance.  Only the ones placed before me with trust in every footprint knowing that I am safe.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Life lately has taken a turn.  I am feeling so full.  I have feelings that seem to overwhelm me and take over.  I am overwhelmed at the moment because one of my friends is facing so much trial right now.  Her face is filled with torment and sorrow.  It is difficult to bear seeing her and I can't imagine how difficult it is to bear being in her own skin.  I have no words.  She doesn't want any.  I can only bear witness to this pain she lives in.
When I see others pain sometimes I am reminded of times when I have felt deep pain.  Never have I had to bear the pain of burying a close loved one except those of my dear pets.  When I visit these past feelings of dark despair, loneliness or abandonment I realize that I am not there anymore.  It is the beauty of forgetfulness that accompanies healing.  And healing is gradual.  It grows over like a wound in scar mode.  Eventually there may be a mark and the remembrance of the hurt, but very rarely can one remember the actual pain.
And so I know that with this hurt of my friend I have nothing to offer except that I will bear with her and watch the gradual layer upon layer of healing that must take place.  I will encourage this healing and stand by her as the wound begins to close up and become less and less of a threat, a reminder.
I nevertheless feel so worthless to this effort of healing in another's life.
These are things that I have pondered lately.  Yes, life is pure and whole and sweet.  Yes, my home is warm and inviting and filled with calm peacefulness and cat fur.  But there is this constant weight.  This burden of others that I has required me to learn to cope with.  This pain is not mine and yet in the love of others I tend to feel with them.  Does this help?  Can it take some of the pain away?  Is it mine to feel?  Must I continue with these dark helpless nights of sleeplessness as if this is my loved one that has passed? 

Lord, I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You
Lord, I've come to know
the weaknesses I see in me
will be stripped away
By the power of Your love
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near, draw me to your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love.

This is my prayer, the song that goes with me in the night.  It raises up to the heavens and I pray that it will bring some healing, some balm to those around me that are in the midst of life-altering events.  I also pray that I will learn my perfect place in standing with my friends when their times of trial or difficulty weigh heavy in their lives.  I offer my heart, Lord.  Hold me close.

I stole this.

I stole this and I am not sorry. 
Actually, I am very proud of my steal.
It makes me giggle.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Ammon is (gulp) 12.

Here is the 12 year old.  I feel dizzy when I think of how fast time has gone.  I remember the day so well that he entered the world and changed everything.
 As you can see...he has braces now but still has the silly smile.
 It is my squirrel.  It is my squirrel and it shall be my squirrel and I will call you squishy.
 Some of the friends that attended the party: Falin, Sawyer, Conner, Tanner and Brady.  They were such good sports and played every game I threw to them with a vengeance.  We did a Minute to Win It party and that was a HIT.
The sky that evening was so beautiful.  It represents to me that God is watching over every event, every person in my life that I love.  I can trust that they are in the hands of such a love that only heaven can comprehend.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Gracey is TWO!!!

 Sweet little Gracey turned two.  So hard to believe.  And she was so gracious...
 She had a hard time understanding "this is from..."  She thought her mommy was saying "this is for..." and she was very happy to give them away. 
 But then so excited that every one of them was for her.
 Even excited at clothes.  She made a little squeal with every gift. 
This requires no words.